Thursday, December 24, 2009

Bah Humbug!: My Lack of the Christmas Spirit

Some people know this about me but others don’t so I’m going to break it down: I don’t have the Christmas spirit. Just one more thing to chalk up to my fucked up childhood.

I don’t remember ever having it really. My older cousins told me there was no Santa when I was very young (kindergarten or maybe younger) and nobody ever did anything to disprove it. One year I had to wrap all of my presents just so I could have something to unwrap on Christmas morning. I have had three Christmas trees my entire life: a miniature plastic one when I was around 10, a real one back when my parents were pretending we were a big, happy family when I was around 17 (that one was really pretty actually: my mom and I decorated it in blue and silver – my favorite colors), and the record-holder for ghetto trees last year in Jersey (none of the Scotland Road Girls should deny that tree was ghetto as hell considering it had to be tied to the window in order to stand straight).

As long as I can remember, Christmas have involved my dad handing me $50 $100 and my mom either giving me her “I celebrate the Christmas spirit all year long while the actual holiday is so commercialized so there’s no need for me to give presents” diatribe or (more recently) her saying she is going to give me some big gift (usually a piece of jewelry since she hates the necklace I wear normally) when she gets the money and then never following through. When I was younger, my mom and I would then go over to my grandma’s house for dinner and grab bag/gift exchanging. However, I’m the black sheep in the family and not particularly close or connected to my extended family so would normally just get the one grab bag gift and have to sit around for hours feeling lonely and watching everyone else exchange and unwrap mounds of gifts. Hell, Mike gets along better with my family than I do.

I should say now that my lack of Christmas has nothing to do about lack of gifts or presents. I could actually care less about the commercial aspect of the holiday season. It’s more about not feeling that sense of family or togetherness or wonder or excitement that I sense in others and the media tells me I’m supposed to feel. To me, Christmas is a very anticlimactic holiday that I don’t wake up early for nor am very excited for in general. It’s really just one more day on the calendar for me.

Well, I guess I shouldn’t say that I don’t have holiday spirit completely, maybe just some hybrid that doesn’t conform to the standard definition of what it’s supposed to be and that is all because of the J’s. A few years ago (2002 I think) I started to be included into their family Christmas celebrations, which includes a penguin Christmas tree (Mrs. J is absolutely obsessed with penguins – I actually adopted one in her name for her present one year) and Christmas stockings full of things ranging from deodorant and body wash to popcorn and batteries in addition to presents and a tasty dinner. But its less about the presents and more just about being more about being surrounded by all of them: cuddled up on the couch with Mike, his mom in her computer chair, Dave on the loveseat and everyone keeping the ribbons from the cats. Even when she was really sick and they were on hard times in 2004-2005, it still felt more like family and togetherness than when I’m with my actual family. Probably because they actually are my family at this point (he’ll never outwardly admit it but I know Dave loves me).

My hope is that I will be able to get into some sort of the spirit when I finally have children. Not the commercialized, gift-grubbing side but the actual giving unto others, thankful, loving of family and friends, charitable side. I hope that I have kids that all year round but it would be nice to make sure that my kids have that additional sense of wonder, amazement and joy in their eyes when the calendar rolls around.

And so even though I’m unemployed and generally upset over everything that has (and hasn’t) happened, I actually am a little excited about this Christmas because I’m baking all of the J’s cookies for Christmas since I don’t have any money (Mike is getting snickerdoodles and sugar cookies for example). I have no idea what I’m getting in terms of actual presents since there isn’t anything I really want (besides a job) except an armband iPod holder for when I’m exercising, my subscription to Foreign Policy to be renewed, and a copy of SuperFreaknomics. Everything will be a complete surprise to me – and that’s actually how I want it. I will hopefully pull off my plan of making real blueberry pancakes for breakfast on actual Christmas morning (since we have to wake up really early because Dave has to work a double at work) and then go see “Sherlock Holmes.” You know, I always wondered why so many movies come out on Christmas Day (because isn’t everyone supposed to be with family?) and it literally just hit me this weekend that it’s because Jews, Muslims, Hindus, etc. don’t celebrate Christmas and so they go see movies (plus, when you think about it, there’s plenty of time to see a movie between opening presents in the morning and the traditional dinner at night).

So like I said, I may not have the type of Christmas spirit that is advertised and forced upon the masses, but I am slowly creating my own version of it that makes me comfortable and that’s good enough. So with that said,  I want to wish everyone a Happy Chrismahanukwanzakah and a Merry Festivus to all.

(“What’s Chrismahanukwanzakah?” you may ask. Well apparently you forgot this little holiday gem – my favorite holiday commercial)

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The Dispair of Rejection

(I am writing this almost a week after the fact because I’m pretty sure I would have gotten concerned calls from friends and suicide prevention hotlines if I had written about my immediate reaction. This is also why I don’t tweet: some things just need to be processed internally before they are broadcasted to the world.)

Every weekend I bake at least one thing and two weekends ago was the return on the oatmeal raisin cookies that Mrs. J absolutely devastated. One of the cookies ended up shaped like the African continent so I though that maybe it was a sign that maybe things were going to turn around soon and I was going to get a job soon.

I found out early Wednesday morning that I did not get the job with USAID that I interviewed for in late September. It took them three months and the onset of the Christmas season for them to decide that I wasn’t good enough (I don’t know if it was a good or bad thing that I already don’t have the Christmas sprit – something I’ll explain later). To say that I was depressed would be an understatement: I was completely and absolutely devastated and destroyed. I had a headache from holding back tears all day (and failing a good chunk of the time) since I was not only at the office that day, but was at the front desk answering the phones and greeting people. I felt like drinking all day to drown my sorrows and was a little afraid that it would end up having another 3 day bender like I did February 2008, but by the time I got to Mike’s house and made myself a drink I didn’t want to anymore and instead spent most of the night crying, sleeping and trying not to hurt myself. All I could do was think about the guy who committed suicide because he couldn’t find a job but then several companies called to schedule interviews while his family was preparing his funeral arrangements. I’m convinced this would happen to me too if I did kill myself but I wouldn’t do that for the simple reason I wouldn’t want to inconvenience anyone and I doubt anyone would respect any wishes to just ignore my death and go on with their lives (plus I keep remembering that suicide is the cowards way out).

I will admit that I lost my faith in God that night and don’t really know where I stand anymore. I was never religious person because I think that most religion is man’s perversion of what is really wanted and I can’t accept anything that tells me that homosexuals are going to hell. I wouldn’t say that I was/am an atheist either because I believe that life is just too random for there not to be something causing it. I believe in something – just not sure what. But yet not getting this job hit me unexpectedly hard. I’ve overcome poverty, watching my dad beat my mom as a child, physical and emotional abuse from both of my parents, molestation from a family member, sexual assault from a (supposed) friend, my brother being murdered, being generally ignored and overlooked in life – I am just so sick of always having to be so strong and work so hard for everything when there are people who seem to get things so easily (I know I shouldn’t assume such things but it is what it is). I have worked my ass off my entire life and have had to deal with so much shit – why can’t anything ever come easily for me at least once? I wish I could get an answer to that. That is what my faith is depending on at the moment. That’s why I don’t know what to believe (in) anymore.

Ever since I got that email I have felt numb. I laugh if something is funny and feel some sort of sadness if something is sad (such as when I saw “The Blind Side” Friday), but I’m not the same as I was before I got that email. I had some sort of happiness or jollity in life: I smiled, joked with and talked to my fellow interns and others in the office and had a smile (or at least a smirk) on the inside. I wasn’t entirely happy because I didn’t have a paying job but at least I was enjoying myself at my internship and getting complements on work I’d never done before. Now I’m mostly just quiet, don’t have much to say, kind of flighty in mind and not really all there in conversation and kind of just want to be left alone. I hope this ends soon or this is going to be a even more depressing birthday than I already think it’s going to be. I miss the old, more vivacious me.

In retrospect, I kinda knew all along that I wasn’t going to get the job. Unemployed me doesn’t compare to people around my same age who work at the World Bank, the Department of Homeland Security and wherever else people who interviewed on other days than me and I left with the impression that the panel was either going to love me or think I was crazy because I went in as myself and laid all my cards on the table (and since I didn’t get the gig, I’m going to go with crazy). Whenever I meet people my age who want to work in government or politics, they usually come off as smug, self-absorbed, overly-confident douchebag assholes (with very few exceptions). I can’t stand these types of people: they are the same people I avoided in grad school and generally not the kind of people I want to work with but yet these are apparently the type of people the government wants and the type of people who get hired in general (but yet pretty much all of the FSOs I met at USUN were really nice, funny, down to earth, hard working people so I have no idea where this is all coming from). Maybe this is a sign that I shouldn’t focus on working for the government so much and should instead focus more attention on trying to find a job in the non-profit or private sector, but with the recession, there aren’t as many jobs there either. I believe this is what it’s like to be between a rock and a hard place.

Sometimes I wonder if I should take Scott D. up on his offer and either move in with him in Jersey City or maybe the two of us getting a place together in DC. It would get me out of my dad’s place, I would stop freeloading on Mike and the J’s in general, and I get the feeling that I’m ultimately am not going to find a job that I want and will make me happy here in Chicago, that although I have the resume and abilities, networking and being seen has more significance in DC. My only fear is that there is no guarantee I could find paid employment in DC considering I can’t seem to find anything in Chicago and I’ll have no support system there like I do here (what little I have anyway). Moving out there would be a giant blind leap bigger than I’ve ever taken before. But isn’t this the age in which I’m supposed to take big risks?

Just more decisions for the new year.

Monday, December 14, 2009

The Democratic Party is Full of Pussies


Yeah I said it and I’ll say it again: the Democratic Party is full of pussies.

I want there to be a public option in the health care bill and it increasingly seems like their won’t. Why not? Because the majority of the Democratic Party is being hijacked by conservatives (meaning both a few of their own members – the “Blue Dogs” – and the members of Republican Party, who is still trying to steady itself over loosing control of Congress and the White House within a matter of 2 years). Pretty much ever poll I see or hear says that the majority of the American people want a public option – especially one that doesn’t add to the federal deficit – and I thought this was the type of government where the people got what the people wanted, not one where we are told what is good for us. Now it is true that the majority of Americans – nee all people – are stupid, but I would think that if we could unite and elect a President, we could unite and get some damn health insurance.

The options they are discussing aren’t right. People 50 and over buying/opting into Medicare (or whatever the current proposal is) isn’t going to help me. Neither is some cop-out about buying insurance because THAT ASSUMES I HAVE A JOB AND MONEY FOR HEALTH INSURANCE TO BEGIN WITH! Why am I so adamant about this? Because I have over $800 in emergency room bills from when I got sick over the summer with strep throat and walking pneumonia – and that involved unnecessary tests (like the $100 pregnancy test they did even though I told them repeatedly I was on the Pill then and just had my period), terrible service (the tech taking my blood stabbed me several times, switched arms, and then stabbed me some more before finding blood) and absolutely no follow though on the swine flu test they administered or anything else. In addition, they prescribed the $100+ antibiotics instead of the $30 version even though they knew I didn’t have insurance (luckily the pharmacist at Walgreens told us about it and had it changed). Oh, and I was told by DHS that they only way I could get covered by Medicare is if I was pregnant. This is why the healthcare industry in general needs to be revamped and why I need something that will cover me, someone who isn’t usually sick but would like something for just in case.

I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but that is something I liked about the previous administration. When Bush Cheney wanted something, it got done. They made up weapons of mass destruction and led the country (and many allies) into two separate wars for crying out loud! They got whatever they wanted all due to closing ranks and telling their members how to vote for the most part and I really wish the Democratic Party would find their balls and do the same.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Adventures in the Kitchen: Cranberry Orange Muffins (for Ceci)


And now for something a bit more peppier than my last post…

People may not know that I love baking and have spent a considerable part of this period of unemployment baking and learning how to cook with the help of my teacher and handy sous chef, Mrs. J. It started with lasagna because I had never made it before and it looked really complicated (not so much apparently) and has spread out to manicotti, cheesy pork balls, pot roast, beef stew (although I’ve made that before in Jersey) with garlic cheddar biscuits , pork chops with spice apples and other things I’ve probably forgotten. Mrs. J has say that we’ve gone past the her teaching me things stage and are now at the both of us learning things. I wouldn’t go that far but I’m pretty sure the house is appreciating all of my cooking (if you buy the ingredients, I’ll cook it all up as far as I’m concerned).

As for baking, I have always loved baking and I’ve been going to town. It started with should be illegal devil’s food cupcakes with chocolate cream cheese frosting (with mini chocolate chips on top) and since then I’ve tried different types of muffins and my favorite holiday dessert: sweet potato pie so good that my dad, the sweet potato pie expert, gave it four stars. Saturday morning/afternoon I decided to take the day off from trying to get my banana chocolate chip muffin recipe down right (I will rule you someday!) and go work on my cranberry orange muffins instead.

I know you wanted to try them Ceci, but how about a picture instead? I need to bring my digital camera over to the Mike's house if I’m going to start taking pics of my accomplishment since the camera on my phone sucks, but here is a pic from the website where I got the recipe since they look like that anyway.





You like? I like (and Mrs. J loved). :)

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Operation: Get My Life Together


I do not like where I am in life. There I said it. This is not where I imagined I would be. I am single, unemployed, on public aid and just generally unhappy (I’m not overly depressed or anything – just unhappy).

It makes me angry when people around complain about their jobs and other things they are doing to go on to the next step of their lives while I can’t seem to find a job ANYWHERE or do anything right. No, I take that back: I have been offered jobs selling possible scam health insurance in the northern suburbs, but there’s now way I can make it up there on a daily basis so I have no other options. I don’t know what it is about me that is so unhirable. I know that anyone reading this would say “It’s not you - it’s the economy. Things will get better. You aren’t the only one this is happening to,” but it doesn’t feel that way. I’m not the type of person who can just sit around and do nothing all day – in fact, I’m the complete opposite: I have actually been told (multiple times) to stop being so fast and thorough. I need to have something to do or else I’ll go crazy but yet I’m not even qualified to make coffee. Am I still underqualified after all of these years of internships and random jobs? Does that whole overqualified thing actually exist and I’m suffering from that? Am I too ambitious or have too high of standards? I’m so glad that I decided to start interning (Go Alexi!) but it would be even better if I got paid because I am broke and almost completely financially dependent on Mike (my ex-fiancĂ©) and his family because my dad doesn’t like to buy food or give me any money when I ask for some (which actually isn’t even that often).

So to reiterate: I do not like where I am. But I’m vowing to change it.

I don’t believe in new years resolutions because people don’t usually follow them. However, I am vowing to myself that although I may not like where I am approaching my 25th birthday (I’ll probably just lay in bed and cry the entire day), my life will be radically different when it’s time to celebrate my 26th.

Therefore, I am announcing the official commencement of Operation: Get My Life Together. This involves tackling the four things that are making me unhappy: my unemployment, my living situation, my weight/body and my relationship status.

Unemployment: This is both simple to define and hard to achieve. I apply to many positions a month but I rarely hear back from them and they all get around 300 applications. I created a website to advertise myself a little bit better and have almost completely revamped my resume and cover letter. It would be really nice to have some money in my bank account. I’m not entirely sure what else to do but I’ll keep working on it. Maybe if Alexi wins the primaries and democratic nomination, I can get a paid staffer position until the general election (but I won’t get my hopes up). Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Living situation: This one is relatively easy – I need to get a job so I can move out of my dad’s place. I don’t like it there. It’s really upsetting living with a drunk who doesn’t talk to you when he’s actually there. I spend most of my time with the Jordan’s when I’m not interning at their house so I’m not always alone.

Weight: I will never be skinny. I know this and I accept it – mostly because I wouldn’t want to be skinny. I love my curves. However, I would like to tighten them up and maybe hate stairs a little less. Therefore, Mike’s mom and I got gym memberships so we can get into better shape. So far I am failing at losing actual weight but I’m hoping I’m gaining muscle instead because I think I’m starting to tone up. I mostly just want to get into better shape but my goal is to be able to wear a bikini during the day and cheap skank wear at night during the summer.

Relationship: I want someone who loves me and is willing to say so without prodding from me. That’s it. But I don’t want to start dating until I have the rest of my life together. Le sigh.

These are my goals for the next year. Now I just have to figure out how to achieve them…