Happy, Positive News Time!

I have written way too many depressing blog posts so I’ve decided to write about something good and positive:

I’ve lost 10 lbs!!!

True, it’s taken me around 4 months to lose it but Mrs. J told me that the pounds that take a long time to lose are the ones that you keep off. It is also true that when I weighed myself 2 days later, I had regained 3 lbs. but I’m going to say that it’s because I kinda pigged out the night before because I had a serious craving for a (veggie) burger and fries and refuse to make myself feel bad about it.

Either way, I’m going to say it was a combination of exercise and diet. I will admit that have fallen off the wagon a couple of times (like when I bruised my knee on my birthday and it hurt when I put any pressure on it), but I go to the gym around 2 times a week (Friday and Sunday) and will remember to attempt to use the Booty Bounce (or whatever it’s called) DVD my mom got me at some point. Plus now that it’s getting nice again, I can walk again, including the mile between the gym and the J’s house. Who knows? I might even fulfill my wish and get a bike.

And yes, I am a vegetarian now: no meat, seafood occasionally, and I drink soy (or rice) milk instead of regular but I haven’t given moo-milk dairy completely…yet (maybe once I actually get a job and can afford substitutes). I decided to try it out for a combination of environmental, animal cruelty and health reasons (my mom got me Skinny Bitch for my birthday and it made me want to vomit) and don’t really miss meat all that much. I didn’t really eat pork to begin with and usually had to find ways to add pork and beef to my diet before – now I just don’t bother. Meatless burgers and chik’n taste pretty damn good actually and usually satisfy any cravings. I always loved eating vegetables so I get to eat a lot more of them (although it sucks that I still don’t like mushrooms since portabellas are in a lot of things). Plus, I probably consume a lot more protein, fiber and other things than I did before just because I’m making sure its in my diet so I don’t become deficient. Will I ever eat meat again? Maybe. I’m not counting anything out. My major test will be barbeque season because I love anything cooked on a grill. I just don’t really feel like eating meat so I’m not and if I feel like a steak, then I’ll get a steak. But it has been helping with the pounds lately though.

But yes, I lost 10 lbs. I am also under impression that I do not look my weight since my mom was surprised when I told her my actual weight. She offered me her car if I got to a certain weight by a certain time but I don’t know since I’m doing this for me and no one else. It’s nice to know that I don’t look it to my toughest critic.

But the important thing is that I lost 10 lbs! Squeel!!! :)

My Pantsless Valentine

I was awoken Valentine’s Day morning (or is it Valentine’s Morning?) by Mike returning from an early morning shift at Bed, Bath, and Beyond and was immediately given a dozen roses, a stuffed puppy reminiscent of the puppy I want in real life, a box of Russell Stover’s dark chocolates (that I’m currently eating) and an additional bag of Ghirardelli extra-dark chocolates and then he went to the kitchen to make me a breakfast of home-made fruit salad, vegetarian sausage and heart-shaped pancakes.

After a bit of an afternoon nap, we went to this restaurant I found and had some really tasty food, some complementary campaign and belly dancing, we continued the middle eastern theme and went to a hookah bar and shared a bottle of wine. Yes, I ended up throwing up my dinner in the hookah bar’s bathroom, but I didn’t let that ruin the night and we spend a good chuck of the night just cuddling on a couch. Afterwards we stopped by a Baskin Robbins and got some ice cream.

When we got back, we ended up talking to his brother Dave about the whole Kevin Smith too-fat-to-fly thing. During this, out comes Mike without his pants or shoes on and then he sits down in his mom’s chair to take off his socks and unbutton his shirt. I was still in my coat and hat – that’s how long we were in the house.

So yes, I am in love with a nudist, someone who has mastered the art of stripping off everything in the blink of an eye, someone who cooks me breakfast in his boxers. And although I was completely honest when I told him that Sunday for me was less about Valentine’s Day and more about just spending a nice night out with him but he pulled all of the stops and spoiled me rotten. After all of this time, I still love spending time with him and falling asleep all wrapped up in his arms at night. Like the card I got him (along with the chocolate bacon bar I got him) said: somehow we just work. He loves me and I love him, my pantsless valentine.

Shannon Miller - Campaign Intern (Go Alexi!)

So as many of you may or may not know, I am an intern for Alexander “Alexi” Giannoulias’ campaign for President Obama’s former U.S. Senate seat.

I decided in October to start volunteering because I was starting to go crazy just sitting around at home (or at Mike’s) all day, looking for jobs that weren’t really there and I decided that since I wasn’t working for pay, I might as well be working to gain some experience that could hopefully make me an even better candidate than I already think that I am and thought that campaign experience would be the most helpful if I want to make it to Washington. My dad asked me why I didn’t decide to work on a more local campaign like Cook County Board President since I could probably get a job out of it after the election, but as much as I may joke about being a future warlord or despot, Cook County (and the same for the State of Illinois) is way too corrupt for me to deal with and their employees are way too incompetent for me to work with and if I can’t work in international politics just yet, then I might as well work in national. And although this may been a little flaky, but I decided on Alexi because I saw some pictures of him at a charity poker game and he seemed more personable than the other candidates (I can’t help it, but I can usually tell right away whether someone is a good person and if I’ll like them – even if it is based on a photo or just by the company they keep).

I have to admit that I’m really enjoying myself on the campaign. Pretty much everyone on the campaign is really nice and cool, including Alexi himself and his mom is seriously like one of the sweetest ladies ever. I have actually learned a lot about political campaigns and fundraising, things that should come in handy if I ever have to go into fundraising or decide to work for another campaign. I also have learned how to be an internet stalker: I can learn a lot about people on the internet – a lot more than people probably know or like. It’s slightly creepy when you think about it actually, but I like to think that it’s going towards a great cause. I was also forced to (slightly) get over my completely irrational fear of calling strangers on the phone (I can’t help that I’m more comfortable face-to-face or through technology) when I had to phone bank and call people and ask for their support.

I have to be completely honest and say that I was a little scared for a little while. Alexi said during an event that a lot of negative things were going to be said about him in the run-up to the Primary and he wasn’t kidding. The local media was fawning over one of his opponents, David Hoffman, and so did the national media once it hopped onto the race after the whole Massachusetts fiasco. I will admit that there are questions about Alexi and his candidacy but I wouldn’t be supporting him like I am if I didn’t think he would do a great job. But yet there was all of this seemingly negative press was out nonstop in the last few days about how he was crooked and a monster and part of the “Chicago Machine” and I did get a little concerned – mostly because even though I didn’t have a plan for if he in fact didn’t win.

But even though the day of the Primary was crazy – and that night was even crazier with people practically throwing themselves at his feet – he did win the Primary and so now I am back to doing my donor research for the finance department because the fight against Mark Kirk (the Republican nominee) is going to be a bitch. I hope through all of this that I end up getting hired by the campaign because I could certainly use the money (so I don’t end up going “Fight Club” on Sallie Mae) because I am paying for transit and other incidentals out of a pocket that isn’t really there but I really do appreciate this experience and learning all that I have learned. The road to November is going to be a long journey but at least it’s one I’m looking forward to.

The New Story Of My Life

So to answer your question, Maddy: no I didn’t get the job.

I found out this afternoon. Although everyone thought I had an impressive resume and a great personality, I didn’t have enough experience compared to the other two candidates. This is apparently the new story of my life: I keep getting turned down for jobs because I don’t have any experience. WHERE/HOW IN THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO GET EXPERIENCE IF I CAN’T GET A JOB? I am getting so sick of hearing that and how I’m going to go so far when I can’t get a job. I don’t even know what position I would be in if I didn’t have the resume and experience I currently have since that’s not enough either. I’m already being selective in where and to what I apply to because I want to enjoy what I do, but I’m getting sick of having my soul crushed repeatedly by this that it’s probably not worth increasing my number of applications anyway. Besides, at this point I don’t know if its better or worse coming so close to being employed rather than just not hearing anything at all.

All I want to do is work. I miss waking up in the morning and having something I had to go to and do. I miss having a sense of accomplishment, like I actually did something that day. I feel like my life is on hold because all I want to do is work and start. My internship is fine and I enjoy it and all, but I don’t like and am not all that interested in national politics. And with Alexi winning the nomination (I promise I’ll write about this soon), all is going to happen is that a ton more interns are going to come in (the day after he won the nomination there were already 20 applications) and it’s going to get really competitive as they begin to get ready to hire staffers in preparation for the general election. Why deal with national politics and all of its infighting and smears when you can work in international politics and just assassinate and covertly plan coup d’états?

Anyway, I just have to keep thinking that I’ll get something because people keep telling me that I’ll get something. I’m just not looking forward to this upcoming class to graduate and enter the workforce as well for the added competition.

(And to add insult to injury, I had to spend some time with my mom so I also ended up feeling fat, ugly and like I'm crazy and can't take care of myself and paranoid that others around me also think I'm fat, ugly and that there's something wrong with me because I can't take care of myself. Sigh. She certainly knows how to kick me when I'm down - repeatedly and viciously).

The Dispair of Rejection

(I am writing this almost a week after the fact because I’m pretty sure I would have gotten concerned calls from friends and suicide prevention hotlines if I had written about my immediate reaction. This is also why I don’t tweet: some things just need to be processed internally before they are broadcasted to the world.)

Every weekend I bake at least one thing and two weekends ago was the return on the oatmeal raisin cookies that Mrs. J absolutely devastated. One of the cookies ended up shaped like the African continent so I though that maybe it was a sign that maybe things were going to turn around soon and I was going to get a job soon.

I found out early Wednesday morning that I did not get the job with USAID that I interviewed for in late September. It took them three months and the onset of the Christmas season for them to decide that I wasn’t good enough (I don’t know if it was a good or bad thing that I already don’t have the Christmas sprit – something I’ll explain later). To say that I was depressed would be an understatement: I was completely and absolutely devastated and destroyed. I had a headache from holding back tears all day (and failing a good chunk of the time) since I was not only at the office that day, but was at the front desk answering the phones and greeting people. I felt like drinking all day to drown my sorrows and was a little afraid that it would end up having another 3 day bender like I did February 2008, but by the time I got to Mike’s house and made myself a drink I didn’t want to anymore and instead spent most of the night crying, sleeping and trying not to hurt myself. All I could do was think about the guy who committed suicide because he couldn’t find a job but then several companies called to schedule interviews while his family was preparing his funeral arrangements. I’m convinced this would happen to me too if I did kill myself but I wouldn’t do that for the simple reason I wouldn’t want to inconvenience anyone and I doubt anyone would respect any wishes to just ignore my death and go on with their lives (plus I keep remembering that suicide is the cowards way out).

I will admit that I lost my faith in God that night and don’t really know where I stand anymore. I was never religious person because I think that most religion is man’s perversion of what is really wanted and I can’t accept anything that tells me that homosexuals are going to hell. I wouldn’t say that I was/am an atheist either because I believe that life is just too random for there not to be something causing it. I believe in something – just not sure what. But yet not getting this job hit me unexpectedly hard. I’ve overcome poverty, watching my dad beat my mom as a child, physical and emotional abuse from both of my parents, molestation from a family member, sexual assault from a (supposed) friend, my brother being murdered, being generally ignored and overlooked in life – I am just so sick of always having to be so strong and work so hard for everything when there are people who seem to get things so easily (I know I shouldn’t assume such things but it is what it is). I have worked my ass off my entire life and have had to deal with so much shit – why can’t anything ever come easily for me at least once? I wish I could get an answer to that. That is what my faith is depending on at the moment. That’s why I don’t know what to believe (in) anymore.

Ever since I got that email I have felt numb. I laugh if something is funny and feel some sort of sadness if something is sad (such as when I saw “The Blind Side” Friday), but I’m not the same as I was before I got that email. I had some sort of happiness or jollity in life: I smiled, joked with and talked to my fellow interns and others in the office and had a smile (or at least a smirk) on the inside. I wasn’t entirely happy because I didn’t have a paying job but at least I was enjoying myself at my internship and getting complements on work I’d never done before. Now I’m mostly just quiet, don’t have much to say, kind of flighty in mind and not really all there in conversation and kind of just want to be left alone. I hope this ends soon or this is going to be a even more depressing birthday than I already think it’s going to be. I miss the old, more vivacious me.

In retrospect, I kinda knew all along that I wasn’t going to get the job. Unemployed me doesn’t compare to people around my same age who work at the World Bank, the Department of Homeland Security and wherever else people who interviewed on other days than me and I left with the impression that the panel was either going to love me or think I was crazy because I went in as myself and laid all my cards on the table (and since I didn’t get the gig, I’m going to go with crazy). Whenever I meet people my age who want to work in government or politics, they usually come off as smug, self-absorbed, overly-confident douchebag assholes (with very few exceptions). I can’t stand these types of people: they are the same people I avoided in grad school and generally not the kind of people I want to work with but yet these are apparently the type of people the government wants and the type of people who get hired in general (but yet pretty much all of the FSOs I met at USUN were really nice, funny, down to earth, hard working people so I have no idea where this is all coming from). Maybe this is a sign that I shouldn’t focus on working for the government so much and should instead focus more attention on trying to find a job in the non-profit or private sector, but with the recession, there aren’t as many jobs there either. I believe this is what it’s like to be between a rock and a hard place.

Sometimes I wonder if I should take Scott D. up on his offer and either move in with him in Jersey City or maybe the two of us getting a place together in DC. It would get me out of my dad’s place, I would stop freeloading on Mike and the J’s in general, and I get the feeling that I’m ultimately am not going to find a job that I want and will make me happy here in Chicago, that although I have the resume and abilities, networking and being seen has more significance in DC. My only fear is that there is no guarantee I could find paid employment in DC considering I can’t seem to find anything in Chicago and I’ll have no support system there like I do here (what little I have anyway). Moving out there would be a giant blind leap bigger than I’ve ever taken before. But isn’t this the age in which I’m supposed to take big risks?

Just more decisions for the new year.

Operation: Get My Life Together

I do not like where I am in life. There I said it. This is not where I imagined I would be. I am single, unemployed, on public aid and just generally unhappy (I’m not overly depressed or anything – just unhappy).

It makes me angry when people around complain about their jobs and other things they are doing to go on to the next step of their lives while I can’t seem to find a job ANYWHERE or do anything right. No, I take that back: I have been offered jobs selling possible scam health insurance in the northern suburbs, but there’s now way I can make it up there on a daily basis so I have no other options. I don’t know what it is about me that is so unhirable. I know that anyone reading this would say “It’s not you - it’s the economy. Things will get better. You aren’t the only one this is happening to,” but it doesn’t feel that way. I’m not the type of person who can just sit around and do nothing all day – in fact, I’m the complete opposite: I have actually been told (multiple times) to stop being so fast and thorough. I need to have something to do or else I’ll go crazy but yet I’m not even qualified to make coffee. Am I still underqualified after all of these years of internships and random jobs? Does that whole overqualified thing actually exist and I’m suffering from that? Am I too ambitious or have too high of standards? I’m so glad that I decided to start interning (Go Alexi!) but it would be even better if I got paid because I am broke and almost completely financially dependent on Mike (my ex-fiancé) and his family because my dad doesn’t like to buy food or give me any money when I ask for some (which actually isn’t even that often).

So to reiterate: I do not like where I am. But I’m vowing to change it.

I don’t believe in new years resolutions because people don’t usually follow them. However, I am vowing to myself that although I may not like where I am approaching my 25^th birthday (I’ll probably just lay in bed and cry the entire day), my life will be radically different when it’s time to celebrate my 26^th.

Therefore, I am announcing the official commencement of Operation: Get My Life Together. This involves tackling the four things that are making me unhappy: my unemployment, my living situation, my weight/body and my relationship status.

Unemployment: This is both simple to define and hard to achieve. I apply to many positions a month but I rarely hear back from them and they all get around 300 applications. I created a website to advertise myself a little bit better and have almost completely revamped my resume and cover letter. It would be really nice to have some money in my bank account. I’m not entirely sure what else to do but I’ll keep working on it. Maybe if Alexi wins the primaries and democratic nomination, I can get a paid staffer position until the general election (but I won’t get my hopes up). Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Living situation: This one is relatively easy – I need to get a job so I can move out of my dad’s place. I don’t like it there. It’s really upsetting living with a drunk who doesn’t talk to you when he’s actually there. I spend most of my time with the Jordan’s when I’m not interning at their house so I’m not always alone.

Weight: I will never be skinny. I know this and I accept it – mostly because I wouldn’t want to be skinny. I love my curves. However, I would like to tighten them up and maybe hate stairs a little less. Therefore, Mike’s mom and I got gym memberships so we can get into better shape. So far I am failing at losing actual weight but I’m hoping I’m gaining muscle instead because I think I’m starting to tone up. I mostly just want to get into better shape but my goal is to be able to wear a bikini during the day and cheap skank wear at night during the summer.

Relationship: I want someone who loves me and is willing to say so without prodding from me. That’s it. But I don’t want to start dating until I have the rest of my life together. Le sigh.

These are my goals for the next year. Now I just have to figure out how to achieve them…