I was awoken Valentine’s Day morning (or is it Valentine’s Morning?) by Mike returning from an early morning shift at Bed, Bath, and Beyond and was immediately given a dozen roses, a stuffed puppy reminiscent of the puppy I want in real life, a box of Russell Stover’s dark chocolates (that I’m currently eating) and an additional bag of Ghirardelli extra-dark chocolates and then he went to the kitchen to make me a breakfast of home-made fruit salad, vegetarian sausage and heart-shaped pancakes.
After a bit of an afternoon nap, we went to this restaurant I found and had some really tasty food, some complementary campaign and belly dancing, we continued the middle eastern theme and went to a hookah bar and shared a bottle of wine. Yes, I ended up throwing up my dinner in the hookah bar’s bathroom, but I didn’t let that ruin the night and we spend a good chuck of the night just cuddling on a couch. Afterwards we stopped by a Baskin Robbins and got some ice cream.
When we got back, we ended up talking to his brother Dave about the whole Kevin Smith too-fat-to-fly thing. During this, out comes Mike without his pants or shoes on and then he sits down in his mom’s chair to take off his socks and unbutton his shirt. I was still in my coat and hat – that’s how long we were in the house.
So yes, I am in love with a nudist, someone who has mastered the art of stripping off everything in the blink of an eye, someone who cooks me breakfast in his boxers. And although I was completely honest when I told him that Sunday for me was less about Valentine’s Day and more about just spending a nice night out with him but he pulled all of the stops and spoiled me rotten. After all of this time, I still love spending time with him and falling asleep all wrapped up in his arms at night. Like the card I got him (along with the chocolate bacon bar I got him) said: somehow we just work. He loves me and I love him, my pantsless valentine.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Shannon Miller - Campaign Intern (Go Alexi!)
So as many of you may or may not know, I am an intern for Alexander “Alexi” Giannoulias’ campaign for President Obama’s former U.S. Senate seat.
I decided in October to start volunteering because I was starting to go crazy just sitting around at home (or at Mike’s) all day, looking for jobs that weren’t really there and I decided that since I wasn’t working for pay, I might as well be working to gain some experience that could hopefully make me an even better candidate than I already think that I am and thought that campaign experience would be the most helpful if I want to make it to Washington. My dad asked me why I didn’t decide to work on a more local campaign like Cook County Board President since I could probably get a job out of it after the election, but as much as I may joke about being a future warlord or despot, Cook County (and the same for the State of Illinois) is way too corrupt for me to deal with and their employees are way too incompetent for me to work with and if I can’t work in international politics just yet, then I might as well work in national. And although this may been a little flaky, but I decided on Alexi because I saw some pictures of him at a charity poker game and he seemed more personable than the other candidates (I can’t help it, but I can usually tell right away whether someone is a good person and if I’ll like them – even if it is based on a photo or just by the company they keep).
I have to admit that I’m really enjoying myself on the campaign. Pretty much everyone on the campaign is really nice and cool, including Alexi himself and his mom is seriously like one of the sweetest ladies ever. I have actually learned a lot about political campaigns and fundraising, things that should come in handy if I ever have to go into fundraising or decide to work for another campaign. I also have learned how to be an internet stalker: I can learn a lot about people on the internet – a lot more than people probably know or like. It’s slightly creepy when you think about it actually, but I like to think that it’s going towards a great cause. I was also forced to (slightly) get over my completely irrational fear of calling strangers on the phone (I can’t help that I’m more comfortable face-to-face or through technology) when I had to phone bank and call people and ask for their support.
I have to be completely honest and say that I was a little scared for a little while. Alexi said during an event that a lot of negative things were going to be said about him in the run-up to the Primary and he wasn’t kidding. The local media was fawning over one of his opponents, David Hoffman, and so did the national media once it hopped onto the race after the whole Massachusetts fiasco. I will admit that there are questions about Alexi and his candidacy but I wouldn’t be supporting him like I am if I didn’t think he would do a great job. But yet there was all of this seemingly negative press was out nonstop in the last few days about how he was crooked and a monster and part of the “Chicago Machine” and I did get a little concerned – mostly because even though I didn’t have a plan for if he in fact didn’t win.
But even though the day of the Primary was crazy – and that night was even crazier with people practically throwing themselves at his feet – he did win the Primary and so now I am back to doing my donor research for the finance department because the fight against Mark Kirk (the Republican nominee) is going to be a bitch. I hope through all of this that I end up getting hired by the campaign because I could certainly use the money (so I don’t end up going “Fight Club” on Sallie Mae) because I am paying for transit and other incidentals out of a pocket that isn’t really there but I really do appreciate this experience and learning all that I have learned. The road to November is going to be a long journey but at least it’s one I’m looking forward to.
I decided in October to start volunteering because I was starting to go crazy just sitting around at home (or at Mike’s) all day, looking for jobs that weren’t really there and I decided that since I wasn’t working for pay, I might as well be working to gain some experience that could hopefully make me an even better candidate than I already think that I am and thought that campaign experience would be the most helpful if I want to make it to Washington. My dad asked me why I didn’t decide to work on a more local campaign like Cook County Board President since I could probably get a job out of it after the election, but as much as I may joke about being a future warlord or despot, Cook County (and the same for the State of Illinois) is way too corrupt for me to deal with and their employees are way too incompetent for me to work with and if I can’t work in international politics just yet, then I might as well work in national. And although this may been a little flaky, but I decided on Alexi because I saw some pictures of him at a charity poker game and he seemed more personable than the other candidates (I can’t help it, but I can usually tell right away whether someone is a good person and if I’ll like them – even if it is based on a photo or just by the company they keep).
I have to admit that I’m really enjoying myself on the campaign. Pretty much everyone on the campaign is really nice and cool, including Alexi himself and his mom is seriously like one of the sweetest ladies ever. I have actually learned a lot about political campaigns and fundraising, things that should come in handy if I ever have to go into fundraising or decide to work for another campaign. I also have learned how to be an internet stalker: I can learn a lot about people on the internet – a lot more than people probably know or like. It’s slightly creepy when you think about it actually, but I like to think that it’s going towards a great cause. I was also forced to (slightly) get over my completely irrational fear of calling strangers on the phone (I can’t help that I’m more comfortable face-to-face or through technology) when I had to phone bank and call people and ask for their support.
I have to be completely honest and say that I was a little scared for a little while. Alexi said during an event that a lot of negative things were going to be said about him in the run-up to the Primary and he wasn’t kidding. The local media was fawning over one of his opponents, David Hoffman, and so did the national media once it hopped onto the race after the whole Massachusetts fiasco. I will admit that there are questions about Alexi and his candidacy but I wouldn’t be supporting him like I am if I didn’t think he would do a great job. But yet there was all of this seemingly negative press was out nonstop in the last few days about how he was crooked and a monster and part of the “Chicago Machine” and I did get a little concerned – mostly because even though I didn’t have a plan for if he in fact didn’t win.
But even though the day of the Primary was crazy – and that night was even crazier with people practically throwing themselves at his feet – he did win the Primary and so now I am back to doing my donor research for the finance department because the fight against Mark Kirk (the Republican nominee) is going to be a bitch. I hope through all of this that I end up getting hired by the campaign because I could certainly use the money (so I don’t end up going “Fight Club” on Sallie Mae) because I am paying for transit and other incidentals out of a pocket that isn’t really there but I really do appreciate this experience and learning all that I have learned. The road to November is going to be a long journey but at least it’s one I’m looking forward to.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Open Letter To MTV
Dear MTV,
Sometimes, late at night, I watch reruns of “America’s Best Dance Crew” because I enjoy the show but don’t usually catch it’s first run. Because the episode is new to me, I don’t know who won or is going on to the next round. Therefore, can you please stop showing commercials right before the judges announce their final decision that ruin it and say who the final chosen group was? It’s kind of a dick move. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Shannon
P.S. I really appreciate that you've (sort of) changed your logo to acknowledge that you, in fact, are not Music Television anymore. I can't actually remember the last time I watched music videos on MTV before 2 am (the same goes for VH1 but you own them so I blame you for that - but at least they have awesome documentaries).
Sometimes, late at night, I watch reruns of “America’s Best Dance Crew” because I enjoy the show but don’t usually catch it’s first run. Because the episode is new to me, I don’t know who won or is going on to the next round. Therefore, can you please stop showing commercials right before the judges announce their final decision that ruin it and say who the final chosen group was? It’s kind of a dick move. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Shannon
P.S. I really appreciate that you've (sort of) changed your logo to acknowledge that you, in fact, are not Music Television anymore. I can't actually remember the last time I watched music videos on MTV before 2 am (the same goes for VH1 but you own them so I blame you for that - but at least they have awesome documentaries).
Friday, February 5, 2010
The New Story Of My Life
So to answer your question, Maddy: no I didn’t get the job.
I found out this afternoon. Although everyone thought I had an impressive resume and a great personality, I didn’t have enough experience compared to the other two candidates. This is apparently the new story of my life: I keep getting turned down for jobs because I don’t have any experience. WHERE/HOW IN THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO GET EXPERIENCE IF I CAN’T GET A JOB? I am getting so sick of hearing that and how I’m going to go so far when I can’t get a job. I don’t even know what position I would be in if I didn’t have the resume and experience I currently have since that’s not enough either. I’m already being selective in where and to what I apply to because I want to enjoy what I do, but I’m getting sick of having my soul crushed repeatedly by this that it’s probably not worth increasing my number of applications anyway. Besides, at this point I don’t know if its better or worse coming so close to being employed rather than just not hearing anything at all.
All I want to do is work. I miss waking up in the morning and having something I had to go to and do. I miss having a sense of accomplishment, like I actually did something that day. I feel like my life is on hold because all I want to do is work and start. My internship is fine and I enjoy it and all, but I don’t like and am not all that interested in national politics. And with Alexi winning the nomination (I promise I’ll write about this soon), all is going to happen is that a ton more interns are going to come in (the day after he won the nomination there were already 20 applications) and it’s going to get really competitive as they begin to get ready to hire staffers in preparation for the general election. Why deal with national politics and all of its infighting and smears when you can work in international politics and just assassinate and covertly plan coup d’états?
Anyway, I just have to keep thinking that I’ll get something because people keep telling me that I’ll get something. I’m just not looking forward to this upcoming class to graduate and enter the workforce as well for the added competition.
(And to add insult to injury, I had to spend some time with my mom so I also ended up feeling fat, ugly and like I'm crazy and can't take care of myself and paranoid that others around me also think I'm fat, ugly and that there's something wrong with me because I can't take care of myself. Sigh. She certainly knows how to kick me when I'm down - repeatedly and viciously).
I found out this afternoon. Although everyone thought I had an impressive resume and a great personality, I didn’t have enough experience compared to the other two candidates. This is apparently the new story of my life: I keep getting turned down for jobs because I don’t have any experience. WHERE/HOW IN THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO GET EXPERIENCE IF I CAN’T GET A JOB? I am getting so sick of hearing that and how I’m going to go so far when I can’t get a job. I don’t even know what position I would be in if I didn’t have the resume and experience I currently have since that’s not enough either. I’m already being selective in where and to what I apply to because I want to enjoy what I do, but I’m getting sick of having my soul crushed repeatedly by this that it’s probably not worth increasing my number of applications anyway. Besides, at this point I don’t know if its better or worse coming so close to being employed rather than just not hearing anything at all.
All I want to do is work. I miss waking up in the morning and having something I had to go to and do. I miss having a sense of accomplishment, like I actually did something that day. I feel like my life is on hold because all I want to do is work and start. My internship is fine and I enjoy it and all, but I don’t like and am not all that interested in national politics. And with Alexi winning the nomination (I promise I’ll write about this soon), all is going to happen is that a ton more interns are going to come in (the day after he won the nomination there were already 20 applications) and it’s going to get really competitive as they begin to get ready to hire staffers in preparation for the general election. Why deal with national politics and all of its infighting and smears when you can work in international politics and just assassinate and covertly plan coup d’états?
Anyway, I just have to keep thinking that I’ll get something because people keep telling me that I’ll get something. I’m just not looking forward to this upcoming class to graduate and enter the workforce as well for the added competition.
(And to add insult to injury, I had to spend some time with my mom so I also ended up feeling fat, ugly and like I'm crazy and can't take care of myself and paranoid that others around me also think I'm fat, ugly and that there's something wrong with me because I can't take care of myself. Sigh. She certainly knows how to kick me when I'm down - repeatedly and viciously).
Thursday, January 28, 2010
I'm Back Bitches!!!
You know how the longer you put off something, the harder it becomes to do it? Yeah, that’s the reason for my break from this blog (and just when I was starting to post regularly too). Anyway, there were so many things to post about that I didn’t know what to choose. My birthday (and the still sort of bruised knee I have to commemorate it)? My trip to Iowa and job interview with the Stanley Foundation? Life at the Alexi for Illinois campaign? My hatred of know-it-all, condescending, self-absorbed, status obsessed social climbers? An Update on Operation: Get My Life Together? My newfound love of “How I Met Your Mother”? My plan to go all “Fight Club” on Sallie Mae and blow up their corporate offices? The Democrats STILL being a bunch of pussies? All viable options (and things I still may still write about) and yet I didn’t choose anything. Sigh. I really need to stop putting things off (you should see my inbox).
Anyway, I am alive, healthy and happy…for the most part. Now that I have broken the seal (for lack of a better image) and resumed my postings, there should be more regular postings now. Lucky you. ;)
But in the mean time, here’s a commercial that’s been playing here that definitely led to a “WTF?” moment and repeat to make sure it was as it seemed. Oh tv, how you make life interesting…
Anyway, I am alive, healthy and happy…for the most part. Now that I have broken the seal (for lack of a better image) and resumed my postings, there should be more regular postings now. Lucky you. ;)
But in the mean time, here’s a commercial that’s been playing here that definitely led to a “WTF?” moment and repeat to make sure it was as it seemed. Oh tv, how you make life interesting…
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Bah Humbug!: My Lack of the Christmas Spirit
Some people know this about me but others don’t so I’m going to break it down: I don’t have the Christmas spirit. Just one more thing to chalk up to my fucked up childhood.
I don’t remember ever having it really. My older cousins told me there was no Santa when I was very young (kindergarten or maybe younger) and nobody ever did anything to disprove it. One year I had to wrap all of my presents just so I could have something to unwrap on Christmas morning. I have had three Christmas trees my entire life: a miniature plastic one when I was around 10, a real one back when my parents were pretending we were a big, happy family when I was around 17 (that one was really pretty actually: my mom and I decorated it in blue and silver – my favorite colors), and the record-holder for ghetto trees last year in Jersey (none of the Scotland Road Girls should deny that tree was ghetto as hell considering it had to be tied to the window in order to stand straight).
As long as I can remember, Christmas have involved my dad handing me $50 $100 and my mom either giving me her “I celebrate the Christmas spirit all year long while the actual holiday is so commercialized so there’s no need for me to give presents” diatribe or (more recently) her saying she is going to give me some big gift (usually a piece of jewelry since she hates the necklace I wear normally) when she gets the money and then never following through. When I was younger, my mom and I would then go over to my grandma’s house for dinner and grab bag/gift exchanging. However, I’m the black sheep in the family and not particularly close or connected to my extended family so would normally just get the one grab bag gift and have to sit around for hours feeling lonely and watching everyone else exchange and unwrap mounds of gifts. Hell, Mike gets along better with my family than I do.
I should say now that my lack of Christmas has nothing to do about lack of gifts or presents. I could actually care less about the commercial aspect of the holiday season. It’s more about not feeling that sense of family or togetherness or wonder or excitement that I sense in others and the media tells me I’m supposed to feel. To me, Christmas is a very anticlimactic holiday that I don’t wake up early for nor am very excited for in general. It’s really just one more day on the calendar for me.
Well, I guess I shouldn’t say that I don’t have holiday spirit completely, maybe just some hybrid that doesn’t conform to the standard definition of what it’s supposed to be and that is all because of the J’s. A few years ago (2002 I think) I started to be included into their family Christmas celebrations, which includes a penguin Christmas tree (Mrs. J is absolutely obsessed with penguins – I actually adopted one in her name for her present one year) and Christmas stockings full of things ranging from deodorant and body wash to popcorn and batteries in addition to presents and a tasty dinner. But its less about the presents and more just about being more about being surrounded by all of them: cuddled up on the couch with Mike, his mom in her computer chair, Dave on the loveseat and everyone keeping the ribbons from the cats. Even when she was really sick and they were on hard times in 2004-2005, it still felt more like family and togetherness than when I’m with my actual family. Probably because they actually are my family at this point (he’ll never outwardly admit it but I know Dave loves me).
My hope is that I will be able to get into some sort of the spirit when I finally have children. Not the commercialized, gift-grubbing side but the actual giving unto others, thankful, loving of family and friends, charitable side. I hope that I have kids that all year round but it would be nice to make sure that my kids have that additional sense of wonder, amazement and joy in their eyes when the calendar rolls around.
And so even though I’m unemployed and generally upset over everything that has (and hasn’t) happened, I actually am a little excited about this Christmas because I’m baking all of the J’s cookies for Christmas since I don’t have any money (Mike is getting snickerdoodles and sugar cookies for example). I have no idea what I’m getting in terms of actual presents since there isn’t anything I really want (besides a job) except an armband iPod holder for when I’m exercising, my subscription to Foreign Policy to be renewed, and a copy of SuperFreaknomics. Everything will be a complete surprise to me – and that’s actually how I want it. I will hopefully pull off my plan of making real blueberry pancakes for breakfast on actual Christmas morning (since we have to wake up really early because Dave has to work a double at work) and then go see “Sherlock Holmes.” You know, I always wondered why so many movies come out on Christmas Day (because isn’t everyone supposed to be with family?) and it literally just hit me this weekend that it’s because Jews, Muslims, Hindus, etc. don’t celebrate Christmas and so they go see movies (plus, when you think about it, there’s plenty of time to see a movie between opening presents in the morning and the traditional dinner at night).
So like I said, I may not have the type of Christmas spirit that is advertised and forced upon the masses, but I am slowly creating my own version of it that makes me comfortable and that’s good enough. So with that said, I want to wish everyone a Happy Chrismahanukwanzakah and a Merry Festivus to all.
(“What’s Chrismahanukwanzakah?” you may ask. Well apparently you forgot this little holiday gem – my favorite holiday commercial)
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
The Dispair of Rejection
(I am writing this almost a week after the fact because I’m pretty sure I would have gotten concerned calls from friends and suicide prevention hotlines if I had written about my immediate reaction. This is also why I don’t tweet: some things just need to be processed internally before they are broadcasted to the world.)
Every weekend I bake at least one thing and two weekends ago was the return on the oatmeal raisin cookies that Mrs. J absolutely devastated. One of the cookies ended up shaped like the African continent so I though that maybe it was a sign that maybe things were going to turn around soon and I was going to get a job soon.
I found out early Wednesday morning that I did not get the job with USAID that I interviewed for in late September. It took them three months and the onset of the Christmas season for them to decide that I wasn’t good enough (I don’t know if it was a good or bad thing that I already don’t have the Christmas sprit – something I’ll explain later). To say that I was depressed would be an understatement: I was completely and absolutely devastated and destroyed. I had a headache from holding back tears all day (and failing a good chunk of the time) since I was not only at the office that day, but was at the front desk answering the phones and greeting people. I felt like drinking all day to drown my sorrows and was a little afraid that it would end up having another 3 day bender like I did February 2008, but by the time I got to Mike’s house and made myself a drink I didn’t want to anymore and instead spent most of the night crying, sleeping and trying not to hurt myself. All I could do was think about the guy who committed suicide because he couldn’t find a job but then several companies called to schedule interviews while his family was preparing his funeral arrangements. I’m convinced this would happen to me too if I did kill myself but I wouldn’t do that for the simple reason I wouldn’t want to inconvenience anyone and I doubt anyone would respect any wishes to just ignore my death and go on with their lives (plus I keep remembering that suicide is the cowards way out).
I will admit that I lost my faith in God that night and don’t really know where I stand anymore. I was never religious person because I think that most religion is man’s perversion of what is really wanted and I can’t accept anything that tells me that homosexuals are going to hell. I wouldn’t say that I was/am an atheist either because I believe that life is just too random for there not to be something causing it. I believe in something – just not sure what. But yet not getting this job hit me unexpectedly hard. I’ve overcome poverty, watching my dad beat my mom as a child, physical and emotional abuse from both of my parents, molestation from a family member, sexual assault from a (supposed) friend, my brother being murdered, being generally ignored and overlooked in life – I am just so sick of always having to be so strong and work so hard for everything when there are people who seem to get things so easily (I know I shouldn’t assume such things but it is what it is). I have worked my ass off my entire life and have had to deal with so much shit – why can’t anything ever come easily for me at least once? I wish I could get an answer to that. That is what my faith is depending on at the moment. That’s why I don’t know what to believe (in) anymore.
Ever since I got that email I have felt numb. I laugh if something is funny and feel some sort of sadness if something is sad (such as when I saw “The Blind Side” Friday), but I’m not the same as I was before I got that email. I had some sort of happiness or jollity in life: I smiled, joked with and talked to my fellow interns and others in the office and had a smile (or at least a smirk) on the inside. I wasn’t entirely happy because I didn’t have a paying job but at least I was enjoying myself at my internship and getting complements on work I’d never done before. Now I’m mostly just quiet, don’t have much to say, kind of flighty in mind and not really all there in conversation and kind of just want to be left alone. I hope this ends soon or this is going to be a even more depressing birthday than I already think it’s going to be. I miss the old, more vivacious me.
In retrospect, I kinda knew all along that I wasn’t going to get the job. Unemployed me doesn’t compare to people around my same age who work at the World Bank, the Department of Homeland Security and wherever else people who interviewed on other days than me and I left with the impression that the panel was either going to love me or think I was crazy because I went in as myself and laid all my cards on the table (and since I didn’t get the gig, I’m going to go with crazy). Whenever I meet people my age who want to work in government or politics, they usually come off as smug, self-absorbed, overly-confident douchebag assholes (with very few exceptions). I can’t stand these types of people: they are the same people I avoided in grad school and generally not the kind of people I want to work with but yet these are apparently the type of people the government wants and the type of people who get hired in general (but yet pretty much all of the FSOs I met at USUN were really nice, funny, down to earth, hard working people so I have no idea where this is all coming from). Maybe this is a sign that I shouldn’t focus on working for the government so much and should instead focus more attention on trying to find a job in the non-profit or private sector, but with the recession, there aren’t as many jobs there either. I believe this is what it’s like to be between a rock and a hard place.
Sometimes I wonder if I should take Scott D. up on his offer and either move in with him in Jersey City or maybe the two of us getting a place together in DC. It would get me out of my dad’s place, I would stop freeloading on Mike and the J’s in general, and I get the feeling that I’m ultimately am not going to find a job that I want and will make me happy here in Chicago, that although I have the resume and abilities, networking and being seen has more significance in DC. My only fear is that there is no guarantee I could find paid employment in DC considering I can’t seem to find anything in Chicago and I’ll have no support system there like I do here (what little I have anyway). Moving out there would be a giant blind leap bigger than I’ve ever taken before. But isn’t this the age in which I’m supposed to take big risks?
Just more decisions for the new year.
Every weekend I bake at least one thing and two weekends ago was the return on the oatmeal raisin cookies that Mrs. J absolutely devastated. One of the cookies ended up shaped like the African continent so I though that maybe it was a sign that maybe things were going to turn around soon and I was going to get a job soon.
I found out early Wednesday morning that I did not get the job with USAID that I interviewed for in late September. It took them three months and the onset of the Christmas season for them to decide that I wasn’t good enough (I don’t know if it was a good or bad thing that I already don’t have the Christmas sprit – something I’ll explain later). To say that I was depressed would be an understatement: I was completely and absolutely devastated and destroyed. I had a headache from holding back tears all day (and failing a good chunk of the time) since I was not only at the office that day, but was at the front desk answering the phones and greeting people. I felt like drinking all day to drown my sorrows and was a little afraid that it would end up having another 3 day bender like I did February 2008, but by the time I got to Mike’s house and made myself a drink I didn’t want to anymore and instead spent most of the night crying, sleeping and trying not to hurt myself. All I could do was think about the guy who committed suicide because he couldn’t find a job but then several companies called to schedule interviews while his family was preparing his funeral arrangements. I’m convinced this would happen to me too if I did kill myself but I wouldn’t do that for the simple reason I wouldn’t want to inconvenience anyone and I doubt anyone would respect any wishes to just ignore my death and go on with their lives (plus I keep remembering that suicide is the cowards way out).
I will admit that I lost my faith in God that night and don’t really know where I stand anymore. I was never religious person because I think that most religion is man’s perversion of what is really wanted and I can’t accept anything that tells me that homosexuals are going to hell. I wouldn’t say that I was/am an atheist either because I believe that life is just too random for there not to be something causing it. I believe in something – just not sure what. But yet not getting this job hit me unexpectedly hard. I’ve overcome poverty, watching my dad beat my mom as a child, physical and emotional abuse from both of my parents, molestation from a family member, sexual assault from a (supposed) friend, my brother being murdered, being generally ignored and overlooked in life – I am just so sick of always having to be so strong and work so hard for everything when there are people who seem to get things so easily (I know I shouldn’t assume such things but it is what it is). I have worked my ass off my entire life and have had to deal with so much shit – why can’t anything ever come easily for me at least once? I wish I could get an answer to that. That is what my faith is depending on at the moment. That’s why I don’t know what to believe (in) anymore.
Ever since I got that email I have felt numb. I laugh if something is funny and feel some sort of sadness if something is sad (such as when I saw “The Blind Side” Friday), but I’m not the same as I was before I got that email. I had some sort of happiness or jollity in life: I smiled, joked with and talked to my fellow interns and others in the office and had a smile (or at least a smirk) on the inside. I wasn’t entirely happy because I didn’t have a paying job but at least I was enjoying myself at my internship and getting complements on work I’d never done before. Now I’m mostly just quiet, don’t have much to say, kind of flighty in mind and not really all there in conversation and kind of just want to be left alone. I hope this ends soon or this is going to be a even more depressing birthday than I already think it’s going to be. I miss the old, more vivacious me.
In retrospect, I kinda knew all along that I wasn’t going to get the job. Unemployed me doesn’t compare to people around my same age who work at the World Bank, the Department of Homeland Security and wherever else people who interviewed on other days than me and I left with the impression that the panel was either going to love me or think I was crazy because I went in as myself and laid all my cards on the table (and since I didn’t get the gig, I’m going to go with crazy). Whenever I meet people my age who want to work in government or politics, they usually come off as smug, self-absorbed, overly-confident douchebag assholes (with very few exceptions). I can’t stand these types of people: they are the same people I avoided in grad school and generally not the kind of people I want to work with but yet these are apparently the type of people the government wants and the type of people who get hired in general (but yet pretty much all of the FSOs I met at USUN were really nice, funny, down to earth, hard working people so I have no idea where this is all coming from). Maybe this is a sign that I shouldn’t focus on working for the government so much and should instead focus more attention on trying to find a job in the non-profit or private sector, but with the recession, there aren’t as many jobs there either. I believe this is what it’s like to be between a rock and a hard place.
Sometimes I wonder if I should take Scott D. up on his offer and either move in with him in Jersey City or maybe the two of us getting a place together in DC. It would get me out of my dad’s place, I would stop freeloading on Mike and the J’s in general, and I get the feeling that I’m ultimately am not going to find a job that I want and will make me happy here in Chicago, that although I have the resume and abilities, networking and being seen has more significance in DC. My only fear is that there is no guarantee I could find paid employment in DC considering I can’t seem to find anything in Chicago and I’ll have no support system there like I do here (what little I have anyway). Moving out there would be a giant blind leap bigger than I’ve ever taken before. But isn’t this the age in which I’m supposed to take big risks?
Just more decisions for the new year.
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