Some people know this about me but others don’t so I’m going to break it down: I don’t have the Christmas spirit. Just one more thing to chalk up to my fucked up childhood.
I don’t remember ever having it really. My older cousins told me there was no Santa when I was very young (kindergarten or maybe younger) and nobody ever did anything to disprove it. One year I had to wrap all of my presents just so I could have something to unwrap on Christmas morning. I have had three Christmas trees my entire life: a miniature plastic one when I was around 10, a real one back when my parents were pretending we were a big, happy family when I was around 17 (that one was really pretty actually: my mom and I decorated it in blue and silver – my favorite colors), and the record-holder for ghetto trees last year in Jersey (none of the Scotland Road Girls should deny that tree was ghetto as hell considering it had to be tied to the window in order to stand straight).
As long as I can remember, Christmas have involved my dad handing me $50 $100 and my mom either giving me her “I celebrate the Christmas spirit all year long while the actual holiday is so commercialized so there’s no need for me to give presents” diatribe or (more recently) her saying she is going to give me some big gift (usually a piece of jewelry since she hates the necklace I wear normally) when she gets the money and then never following through. When I was younger, my mom and I would then go over to my grandma’s house for dinner and grab bag/gift exchanging. However, I’m the black sheep in the family and not particularly close or connected to my extended family so would normally just get the one grab bag gift and have to sit around for hours feeling lonely and watching everyone else exchange and unwrap mounds of gifts. Hell, Mike gets along better with my family than I do.
I should say now that my lack of Christmas has nothing to do about lack of gifts or presents. I could actually care less about the commercial aspect of the holiday season. It’s more about not feeling that sense of family or togetherness or wonder or excitement that I sense in others and the media tells me I’m supposed to feel. To me, Christmas is a very anticlimactic holiday that I don’t wake up early for nor am very excited for in general. It’s really just one more day on the calendar for me.
Well, I guess I shouldn’t say that I don’t have holiday spirit completely, maybe just some hybrid that doesn’t conform to the standard definition of what it’s supposed to be and that is all because of the J’s. A few years ago (2002 I think) I started to be included into their family Christmas celebrations, which includes a penguin Christmas tree (Mrs. J is absolutely obsessed with penguins – I actually adopted one in her name for her present one year) and Christmas stockings full of things ranging from deodorant and body wash to popcorn and batteries in addition to presents and a tasty dinner. But its less about the presents and more just about being more about being surrounded by all of them: cuddled up on the couch with Mike, his mom in her computer chair, Dave on the loveseat and everyone keeping the ribbons from the cats. Even when she was really sick and they were on hard times in 2004-2005, it still felt more like family and togetherness than when I’m with my actual family. Probably because they actually are my family at this point (he’ll never outwardly admit it but I know Dave loves me).
My hope is that I will be able to get into some sort of the spirit when I finally have children. Not the commercialized, gift-grubbing side but the actual giving unto others, thankful, loving of family and friends, charitable side. I hope that I have kids that all year round but it would be nice to make sure that my kids have that additional sense of wonder, amazement and joy in their eyes when the calendar rolls around.
And so even though I’m unemployed and generally upset over everything that has (and hasn’t) happened, I actually am a little excited about this Christmas because I’m baking all of the J’s cookies for Christmas since I don’t have any money (Mike is getting snickerdoodles and sugar cookies for example). I have no idea what I’m getting in terms of actual presents since there isn’t anything I really want (besides a job) except an armband iPod holder for when I’m exercising, my subscription to Foreign Policy to be renewed, and a copy of SuperFreaknomics. Everything will be a complete surprise to me – and that’s actually how I want it. I will hopefully pull off my plan of making real blueberry pancakes for breakfast on actual Christmas morning (since we have to wake up really early because Dave has to work a double at work) and then go see “Sherlock Holmes.” You know, I always wondered why so many movies come out on Christmas Day (because isn’t everyone supposed to be with family?) and it literally just hit me this weekend that it’s because Jews, Muslims, Hindus, etc. don’t celebrate Christmas and so they go see movies (plus, when you think about it, there’s plenty of time to see a movie between opening presents in the morning and the traditional dinner at night).
So like I said, I may not have the type of Christmas spirit that is advertised and forced upon the masses, but I am slowly creating my own version of it that makes me comfortable and that’s good enough. So with that said, I want to wish everyone a Happy Chrismahanukwanzakah and a Merry Festivus to all.
(“What’s Chrismahanukwanzakah?” you may ask. Well apparently you forgot this little holiday gem – my favorite holiday commercial)
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